One of the biggest anchors I drag around in my daily life is the want to stop moving. To shut my brain down and drown everything out, essentially to check out. I know exactly where it comes from. I had a rough childhood, filled with depression, anger and getting into fights, physical and verbal, with everyone. It wasn’t chemical for me. For me, it was definitely a learned behavior. For some unknown cosmic reason, I was suddenly outcasted, isolated and attacked at a certain point in my childhood. I’m still not sure why it happened, even as much as I’ve thought about it (I have my theories), but the habit of wanting to disengage and push the world away still occurs.
Call me whatever, but I know I’m a smart guy with potential. But the potential is consistently stopped from building sufficient momentum because I keep wanting / having to disengage from everyone and everything. Nothing is ever learned or gained out of these episodes and I waste time having to readjust and rebuild myself back up to reconnect with people and things that are meaningful to my life.
I guess the point of this rambling is that one of the most sure fire things to pull me out of the hole is gratitude. I don’t have much but I have enough. And I’m not brilliant but I’m smart enough to make a positive impact on the world. And I haven’t made it yet, but I will. Thanks for my health, for having a job, for family and friends, and giving me the hardships to build me back stronger